This Grudge

14 years
30 minutes
15 seconds
I've held this grudge

11 songs
4 full journals
thoughts of punishment I've expended

not in contact, not a letter
such communication, telepathic
you've been vilified
used as fodder
you deserve a piece of every record

but who's it hurting now?
who's the one that's stuck?
who's it torturing now
with an antique knot in her stomach?

I wanna be big and let go
of this grudge that's grown old
all this time I've not known
how to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
cleared slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us

like an abandoned house
dusty cupboard, furniture still intact
if i vist it now will i simple relive it?
somehow gratuitous?

but who's still aching now?
who's tired of her own voice?
who's it weighing down with no gift
from time of said healing?

I wanna be big and let go
of this grudge that's grown old
all this time I've not known
how to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
cleared slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us


maybe as i cut the cord
veils will lift from my eyes
maybe as i lay this to rest
dead weight off my shoulders will rise

here i sit much determined
ever ill-equipped to draw this curtain
how this has enterained, validated
and has served me well
ever the victim

but who's done whining now?
who's ready to put down
this load i've carried longer than i had cared to remember?

I wanna be big and let go
of this grudge that's grown old
for the life of me I've not known
how to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
cleared slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us.