If

If i was your tv i'd be like "look at me"
If i was a shooting star i'd be like "peace!"
If i was a fat bitches thong i'd be like "hell naw!'
If i was a hotties thong i'd be like "awwww..."
If i was a cuss word i'd just be like "fuck"
If i was a rock on the moon i'd be chillin' like "sup?"
If i was a butthole i'd just be an exit
If i was the d.o.c. i'd be like "man this is bullshit"
If i was the tires on your car i'd be like "neeeaaawww"
If i was the bumper on your car i'd be like "aww fuck"
If i was a balloon i'd be like "pap"
If i was allysa milano i'd be fucking joe bruce
If i was a radio dj i'd probably say "the point 103"
If i was a richy ass bitch i'd be like "umm...ok"
If i was spin magazine i'd put me on the cover and be like "fuck us! and
I won't read this, even us motherfucker!"
If i was your mental stress i'd be catching up
If i was your headaches every now and then i'd be like "thonnnkk!!"
If i was your tongue i'd be hating your teeth i'd be like "man why do
You try to bite me every time we try to eat?"
If i was a chair i'd be like "sit here"
If i was kid rock i'd cut my feathered wolf hair
If i was your muffler i'd be like "shhh, quietly"
If i was a price tag i'd be like "you ain't buying me"
If i was a fresh ass dj i'd be like [records scratch]
If i was jam master j i'd be like [records scratch]
If i was a cheap clock radio i'd be like [static]
"tune that motherfucker in"
If i was barry white i'd be like "what up y'all?"
If i was nipple in the cold i'd be like "boing"
If i was your dead uncle i'd be like "....."
If i was a raindrop i'd just be like "drip"
And if i had an ax to your neck i might say "chop!"

[chorus]
If i was, if i was, but i'll never be
If i was, if i was, but i'll never be
If i was, if i was, but i'll never be
If i was, if i was, but i'll never be
If i was, if i was, but you're killing me
If i was, if i was. but you're killing me

If i was a faygo at one of our shows, i'd fly through the air into and
Ocean of juggalos
If i was andre the giant "this is how i'd be talking"
If i was father mc i'd be like "now what happened?"
If i was a mirror, i'd find another mirror
And look each other dead in the eye, crystal clear
If i was a slider i'd slide out your butt
I'd be floatin' in your toilet lookin' at you like "what?"
If i was a pilot i'd be like "this is air traffic control"
If i was john denver i'd be like "nooooooo!!!!"
If i was a switch i'd be like "flick me, yoo-hoo"
If i was a london cop car i'd be like "wee-oop wee-oop"
If i was chewbacca i'd get a fresh ass fade
If i was vanilla ice i'd be like "fuck y'all. i'm still paid"
If i was a stop sign i'd just be like "stop"
If i was your wooden leg i'd still be giving you the hip-hop
[chorus}